


you love me

by maryabolkonskaya



Series: when you say [1]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Declarations Of Love, Kissing, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 07:36:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11031600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maryabolkonskaya/pseuds/maryabolkonskaya
Summary: "I cannot believe any war that takes you away from me is a 'good cause,'" Nathan protested."Some things are bigger than we will ever know," Ben replied.





	you love me

The open window let in a breeze that made Nathan shiver against Ben's warm body. Ben tightened his grip where his arm curled around the boy, and he fit his other hand to the small of Nathan's back, laying a gentle kiss on Nathan's cold forehead. Nathan smiled softly, but Ben could tell it was bittersweet. His cheeks did not dimple the way his genuine smile would have, and Ben noticed a sort of silent screaming behind Nathan's usually bright eyes. They were dim tonight.

Ben was to be discharged tomorrow to fight as a soldier in the American Revolution. Nathan had a class to teach in the morning and wouldn't be able to see Ben off.

They were having their own, private "going away party" in Nathan's classroom, but both of them knew it was less of a party and more of a scandalous meeting between lovers at midnight, the only light a single candle melted down to a measly stump. This was what people did before they got hung for sodomy. This was when men met their secret partners, their unknowing husbands (or wives) asleep at home.

Nathan shivered again and Ben, regrettably, peeled himself away from the smaller man and shut the window. As soon as he turned around Nathan was back beside him, his head leaning on Ben's shoulder and their hands linked between them. Nathan was rubbing Ben's hand in a way he only did when he was either nervous or on the verge of tears, and Ben turned his head slightly to see a combination of both. Nathan's eyes were wet, and his quivering lip made Ben's heart weep. He was shaking still.

"Hey," Ben cooed, "none of that." He swiped a thumb under Nathan's eyes along his cheek and gently caressed his face. Ben began to speak again, but Nathan fruitlessly rubbed at his eyes as he began to cry. He turned away from Ben and crossed his arms over his chest, his shoulders shaking harshly.

"Nate," Ben said quietly, "I am not going to die."

"But you could," Nathan whispered. His voice was rough from lack of sleep and a cold he had not quite recovered from.

"I am not-"

"I do not want to hear it, okay?" Nathan protested. His voice cracked on the last syllable and he turned back to the window, still refusing to look at Ben.

Ben took a deep breath, not wanting to anger Nathan anymore than he already had. "Is it just setting in? That I am leaving?" Ben said softly. 

Nathan hummed affirmatively. "I thought it was a bad dream when you first told me."

"It is for a good cause," Ben began, but Nathan stopped him with a quiet shushing. Ben took a deep breath, one that made his chest tighten to an almost uncomfortable point. He let it out. "It _is_ for a good cause, okay? You will realize."

"I cannot believe any war that takes you away from me is a 'good cause,'" Nathan protested.

"Some things are bigger than we will ever know," Ben replied.

Nathan finally uncrossed his arms, raising his shoulders and fixing his posture. He took back Ben's hand. "I do not want to lose you."

"I do not want to lose you, either," Ben agreed, squeezing Nathan's hand gently. "I want to fight, but I do not want to lose you."

"Then do not fight," Nathan said simply.

Ben sighed. "We are going to lose each other anyway. In the end, even after this entire conflict." He paused. "If we both survive it."

Nathan made a noise of sadness, but he nodded in agreement nonetheless. "I know."

Neither of them gave a voice to the unspoken fate that eventually would await both of them. Marriage to a tolerable wife. Kids that they would raise to believe the same, then man and woman belonged together and anything else would get you condemned to hell. An endless cycle that did not leave room for lovers and chaste kisses at midnight.

The conversation petered off, and they were quiet for a moment before Nathan finally let Ben hold him again. Ben slotted himself behind Nathan and gently held his arms across the smaller boy's chest, Nathan's arms hanging limp at his side. Ben would occasionally kiss the back of Nathan's head, to which Nathan would try to repress a smile and his cheeks would turn a soft pink, immediately giving him away.

"What did you mean to say earlier?" Nathan asked.

Ben stiffened. "Nothing. I-I don't even remember now."

"Oh."

 _I love you_ , Ben thought. _I was going to tell you that I love you. That I will always love you and that will never change._ _I have always loved you. Since Yale, since the library where you held my hand and told me things would be okay. That things would always be okay, because we have each other. Because I have you, and that is all that I need._

Ben sniffed, holding back tears, and turned Nathan around so he could properly hold him against his body more closely. They swayed gently in the small space, and eventually the air between them became nonexistent as one of them closed the gap.

Ben was always the softer kisser of the two of them, and Nathan was tempted to remind his lover that he was not a porcelain doll, but he swallowed his words when Ben held Nathan's neck and kissed him more insistently. Nathan hummed, pleased, and let himself smile softly against Ben's lips.

They seperated and Ben turned away, bashful as always after a moment of intimacy, even one as seemingly small as this one. Nathan just barely heard him mumble something under his breath, and he carefully prompted Ben to repeat what he said. "What was that?"

"I..." Ben paused and laughed quietly to himself, amused at how silly what he was going to say would sound. "I wanted to kiss you like I would never see you again."

Nathan, for all of his composure he had maintained for around fifteen minutes, burst into tears again. He nearly collapsed, but Ben caught him quickly, alarmed at how his words had affected Nathan. The weeping boy allowed himself to be placed in Ben's lap on the floor, where he proceeded to soak Ben's cravat with his salty tears. Nathan only noticed Ben was crying as well when he saw Ben's hands clenched in the material of Nathan's coat. He looked up and saw Ben's closed eyes, trembling lip, his head thrown back against the wall with an expression of pain. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"I love you," Nathan whispered, the first time he had uttered those words to Ben.

Ben took in a deep, shuddering breath and looked down at Nathan, surprised. "I love you, too. I love you." The words tumbled out naturally, as though they had been said a million times before. As though Ben had said them countless times in his bedroom mirror, willing himself to be brave enough to speak them outside of his home and to Nathan's beautiful face.

"Do not die," Nathan said just as quietly.

"I cannot make-" Ben began, but he was cut off before he even felt he could get started.

"Do. Not. Die." Nathan repeated, more insistently this time.

Ben raised his head again, leaning it against the wall. "I will not die. For you, dear."

Nathan sobbed brokenly at the endearment and buried his head back in Ben's chest. Ben only wrapped his arms tighter around Nathan's small frame, trying to comfort his partner as much as possible. He was tempted to suggest that Nathan enlist, but he knew the man never would, or at least not now. Nathan was not the fighting type. 

Benjamin may be the softer kisser, but he could be hotheaded and driven by his emotions if he let himself. Nathan was a lover and could kiss Ben for days, but overall he had more self-control, more composure, and could calm himself down easier than Ben could. They kept each other stable. 

What Ben really wanted to say, but would never say to Nathan, was that he could not live without Nathan. He could not  _love_ without Nathan. Nathan kept him calm when Ben was seething. Nathan soothed Ben's bruises and cuts with kisses and gently placed bandages. Nathan pulled Ben away from cliff's edges, the shores of deep seas, and the fringes of dense forests.

Nathan was a lifeline for Ben, and Ben was going to hold tight to that line as long as he could, even if that was just for a few more hours.

He squeezed Nathan gently and finally let himself break down, sobs wracking his body in waves. Nathan curled closer into Ben and let himself be shaken by his boyfriend, determined to burrow into Ben's coat and stay there forever. 

If anyone asked Ben tomorrow why he looked so tired and worn, he would tell them that he did not sleep well. A strange noise woke him up and he could not get back to sleep.

What he would not tell is that the bad dream Nathan believed himself to be having was entirely a reality. A reality for both Nathan and Ben. 

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos make me [throws confetti]
> 
> come talk to me on my tumblr: bezukhovpierre


End file.
